2001, if my parents were never to be divorced, would my life be the same?
Rhetorical question, it is.. but still, I can't help but wonder how my life would actually turn out.
Would I still be grateful for my life like I am now? Logically, I should be happier right? But perhaps, that's just not how it works.

If my parents were never to be divorced, then I wouldn't have moved to another neighbourhood.
Then.. my circle of friends should be different, right?
I wonder how it feels like without my 14-year-old-friendship with this certain dude.

Would I still be pursuing architecture? Would I still have the same goal?
I might turn out to be a lawyer.. or a doctor.. or perhaps, even a comedian.. I guess.

And God, if my path were different, then I wouldn't meet every single of them, right?
I can't bear the thought of not meeting everyone that I now know and love.

And would I think and talk like I am right now?



..would I still tell the same story?

This innocent relationship isn't so bad..

I remember when I prayed for the day where I'm yours.
Thank God, for the day has come and we're together now.
Saying that I'm overjoyed wouldn't be overstating.
And even though I feel there's something amiss between us (I hope it's just my imagination though), I'm still glad that this happens.
I wish we could stay together for a very long time, or even forever.

And God..
I know I've been unfaithful these days, but I truly believe You had something to do with this.
You know I've been praying for myself, for my sins I committed, and if this is Your way to convince me, I couldn't be more grateful for it.
Please, give me strength, give me faith I've been searching for, because deep down I want to believe in You.
I know I'm pathetic, but I can only pray for You now, for I'm lost without You.
Let this be the beginning of my new life.

I should be happy now.
I got something I've been dreaming about.
I got her.

But deep down in my heart, there's insecurity.
What is this?
And why do I feel this way?

Somebody, tell me..

Do you have that one friend with whom you haven't been able to get in touch for so long that you're wondering if he's still alive?

I mean like "where are you now, dude?"

Greed..

Human's greed is bottomless.
The thirst can't be satisfied, never will be.
Is this the only way we live our life? Alongside with greed?

Such a shame..

I'm addicted to you.

I was told that most of the things I wrote are about sad things, things with negative energy, and some other related stuffs. It's either sadness, anger, shame, self-hatred, etc. I never really thought about that until someone pointed it out. So maybe, it's really true.
Well, it's a possibility that my life actually isn't all that bad, it's just that I love writing about it to the extreme, sadly negatively. I don't really know why, but perhaps I like to think like a melancholia, I always assume sadness is more poetic, and I feel like most of us can relate to that kind of thing. It's sad, pathetic even. I'm fully aware of that. Not to mention, it actually attracts other negative things to my life which can make me more and more depressed.
But what to do? I like to write the way I like it, which is unfortunately negatively. And I feel happy when I'm doing it (now that's a paradox). Isn't that what really counts?
Anyway, I think I'll still continue to write this way, but perhaps now with some other spice of positive energy which hopefully can turn my way of viewing life.

And that's today's portion!

Perhaps, life is not that bad at all.
There's still people who still care.
There's this person with whom I'm actually not that close, but literally just made my day by sending me this.
Thanks..

Perhaps I'm not ready for a new relationship. Perhaps I was never ready.
I keep repeating the same mistakes I always made, even before I have THAT relationship.
How can I expect myself to nurture the relationship when the time comes if I destroy it before it grows?
Perhaps I'm not ready for this relationship. Perhaps I should just give it up.