Are we falling apart?

butterflies in my stomach..

The thing you did.. it is much warmer..
Seeing you standing in front of my door is good enough..
There is no denying it.

Where are you, friends?
Why does it feel like you have never even been part of my life?

Are those memories real? Or am i just imagining things?

Damn.. we used to be so close.. and then we have our own lives.
So it just takes one different choice for us to be parted forever?

I remember about the story of two unparalleled lines.
They face the different direction, and eventhough they are far away from each other, at one point they will meet and cross into each other.. but after that, they will drift apart further and further and they never meet again, forever.

Is that how we are?
That is.. sad..

What did I expect.. really..?
This is stupid.

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well you just might find.. You get what you need."

- The Rolling Stone

This is one of the things why I had hard time sharing my stories.
This is one of the other things why I can tell them but not you.
You tend to make fun of me and what I'm about to tell.
All I need is your attention, but you fail to provide one.
Isn't it bad when I had doubts whenever I want to share my pain and worries?
Isn't it bad when I can't tell you all of this directly, instead of writing it here?

What am I doing with my life?

I'm a sinner.

What's out there scares me..

It's like any other day.. peaceful and I was sitting on my bed.
I was bored out of my mind (I should have been doing my essay, dammit!), so I took my time thinking..
I don't know how it ended up like this, but my train of thoughts brought me to "do I really deserve her?"
I mean, we are happy and all, but I tend to overthink everything.
Well, I always think.. I mean, she did so many things for me, okay? and don't judge me.. but I've been planning to do things -sweet and romantic things- for her too.
But, I'm sure as hell I can't be romantic.
I try to plan some romantic things to do, but usually I will come to conclusion that what I want to do will not be romantic enough, or she won't even notice what I'm trying to do, or the worst case scenario, it will turn out cheesy and just plain bad. So I end up doing nothing.
Now I start to think, "is she really happy with me?"
I'm sure I am. But isn't this just me taking her for granted?
I want her to be happy too. But what can I do for her?
I don't know..

I just learnt that one of my friends did some sweet stuff for his crush on her birthday. Man, at times do I envy being him.
I'm sure if I did the same thing for her, it would come out cheesy.. perhaps a little bit creepy.
It's a women's dream to be treated with sweet and romantic things, right?
I'm not sure I can satisfy her.. (okay, that just sounds so wrong but you know what I mean) and I hate myself for that.

Am I 'that guy' in this relationship?

How can a couple of cold tiny hands gives such warmth?

Hands down, this is the best day in years!

So many things to do, so little time..

I can't keep lying to myself

It's cold tonight, and I need you here
It's weird how I've been keeping on missing you since the first day I met you

I'm touched.. super touched!
She really cares for me in her very own way.. I like that way..
She reminds me of Ronan Keating's song, When You Say Nothing At All.. it just fits her.

History is written by the winner.
The winner is always the good guy, no wonder..

I was searching for references for my essay, when I came across to some mind-blowing thing. Well, at least it was mind-blowing for me.
I just found out that Borobudur Temple was never in the list of seven wonders of the world. (Oh yes, I'm from Indonesia) Now, it may seems normal to non-native people out there. But it is odd for us Indonesian.
Every single year of our school life, we'd been taught that Borobudur Temple was one of the seven wonders. Well, I guess that's not true at all, huh? I don't know what you call it.. pride? nationalism? propaganda? I don't know.. but this is ridiculous. I get it.. we need to be proud of our culture.. blablabla.. But is it right to misinform us?
It's fine to tell us about Borobudur just as one of our wonderful heritages, and I'm sure I wouldn't be in awe any less. Now.. can I still believe in what school had taught me? I don't know anymore..

For you to notice..

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
- Iris by Goo Goo Dolls

So close, yet so far..

Sudden realization :
So.. there is always this side of a story.
I get it now.. totally get it now..

In a relationship, we need to tolerate each other, right?
I'm not letting my-selfish-self takes control of me.
No.. not this time..

You may not be the most talkative one, but you sure brighten my day.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I just dug my own grave.

..Roller-coaster ride..

Anyway.. ignorance is bliss.
Just need to remind myself one last time.

Everybody has something they're feeling insecured about..
That is what makes us human.

Sadly, people with lower self-esteem have more of this to worry, and that's what slowly devours and kills them from the inside.

I miss human interaction..
I miss having a social life..

So apparently 9gag is having a full-quote-revelation-posting spree (ohh yeah, I'm a 9gagger), which I find quite interesting. I'd like to share it, but of course all the credit goes to 9gag and the OP, whoever that is. So, here goes another one.

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"Jack of all trades, master of none"

..usually has negative connotation in it.
Little is known that the full quote was actually :

"Jack of all trades, master of none,

Often times better than a master of one"

MINDBLOWN..

.

.

.

.

Should I be glad?

ignorance is bliss

proverb

1. 1.

   if you do not know about something, you do not worry about it.

Powerless..

Same as usual.

male with straight-hair here.

male with straight-hair wish : not-so-straight, curly-hair

wrath. greed. sloth. pride. lust. envy. gluttony.

These are the seven deadly sins known to men. Apparently all men possess every single one of them, but the degree varies from person to person.
And if I have to evaluate my own self based on these sins from the highest degree to the lowest, then I guess it will be :

Envy. Greed. Sloth. Gluttony. Lust. Pride. Wrath

Yeah.. well.. I AM an envious person, I admit.. and I hate that. It's the sin I hate the most, yet I sin the hell out of it. (damn, I hate myself)
And for the sins I put as the lowest like pride and wrath, it's not like I never did those sins.
hell.. maybe I sinned more from those two than you from all of your sins combined!

*cough*
What I'm trying to say is.. they just have lower degree compared to my other sins.
..not that far lower, but lower.
..not like 100 to 10, but like 100 to 99.
..you don't understand what I'm saying, do you?

Anyway.. If I was given a chance to change myself out of these sins, again, from the highest to the lowest, I guess I will start with :

Envy. Sloth. Greed. Lust. Pride. Wrath. Gluttony

Yeah.. Envy is what I want to change the most, no doubt. I always feel guilty because of it, and yet I keep sinning away.
Perhaps it's really humans' tendency to fall into sins.

And I don't know why, even though I have more greed than sloth, I think I'd like to change sloth first. It's just sad not being productive in your life, you know?
...ahh here comes the greed. *irony detected*

But!
the actual point of this whole post is.. why change gluttony when you are blessed with all the food in the world??
It feels like such a waste, don't you think?

GLUTTONY IS LOVE. GLUTTONY IS LIFE.


...I will go to hell because of this sin, won't I?

If only I could turn back time..
There are so many things I want to change.. so many things I regret doing or not doing.
It starts to haunt me now.. but now is just too late.

Am I being too much of a dork?
I think it's high time I stopped being one..
I keep getting older and older.. so perhaps, I should start to act more like my age.
Well, to think about it, watching anime and collecting figures are useless anyway.
Okay.. now I see how dorky I actually am.
And it's waste of money.. Why did I even start?

*sigh*

I still love everything about Japan though..
Yeah.. but I should give the dorky part up.

Is there a word for situation where you just feel @#*$&&%*^#?

Should I invent one?

And just when I thought things have fallen into place..

You know what, forget about it..

Things finally start to fall into place! Wohoo!

and I can't be happier..

I'm so grateful for having this relationship.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the things she has done for me. Well.. I can't tell HER that, because then she would think I was being too serious, and bla, bla, bla, and everything would be awkward. Our relationship is still one month old.

So here I am, telling you guys, whoever read this blog (there's a chance I'm just talking to myself though). You don't give a crap about my life, anyway.

Well, I just wish I could do the same for her..

Anyway, I did say I would start to write about more positive things that's happening in my life,and guess what, I'm being all positive right now!!

but..

The thing is, every time I feel this way, I tend to get lazy to write.

You know, when you are all happy and stuff, it's better to just enjoy it while it lasts. You don't get to be happy all day, mate. right? RIGHT?

What I'm trying to say is.. perhaps it's been my blog's fate to be filled with posts of sadness and despair (hell yeah I'm exaggerating here), because you know, I love writing more when I'm emotionally negative. It just feels.. right.

So.....

I guess that's all I have to tell.

What matters is that I'm happy, right?

Random thing:

So apparently I'm a type of guy who hurts his adam's apple by diving through his bed to reach for falling pillow..

And by the way, Final Fantasy VII is getting a remake! Wohoo!

It is sad how we live in a world where taking something for granted is not an unusual thing.
Everyone becomes selfish, they are willing to take, but have no intention to give anything in return.
Well, I am no exception, I'd say.

Human is an egoistic, narcissistic, self-centered creature from the very start, no doubt. Even technology advances are there to support that. Camera, press, social media, and recently this selfie stick (not really that big, but I just want to mention it as much as possible) is taking over the world to support this human's nature.

Well, as a result, everyone thinks themselves as exclusive and important, and that's how we started to take everything for granted. When things don't work according to our expectation, we blame others for not meeting our expectation, without realizing they have their own expectation.

We start conflicts..

Don't get me wrong, I realize how this post may sound so ironic, but well, what are you going to do?
I said I am human myself before. I am too an egoistic, narcissistic, and self-centered creature born to this world we're living in.
I was just wondering, "how sad actually are we?" you know, food for thought..

Can faith in humanity be restored?

Is it supposed to be like this? Or am I just too comfortable with the way it was before?

2001, if my parents were never to be divorced, would my life be the same?
Rhetorical question, it is.. but still, I can't help but wonder how my life would actually turn out.
Would I still be grateful for my life like I am now? Logically, I should be happier right? But perhaps, that's just not how it works.

If my parents were never to be divorced, then I wouldn't have moved to another neighbourhood.
Then.. my circle of friends should be different, right?
I wonder how it feels like without my 14-year-old-friendship with this certain dude.

Would I still be pursuing architecture? Would I still have the same goal?
I might turn out to be a lawyer.. or a doctor.. or perhaps, even a comedian.. I guess.

And God, if my path were different, then I wouldn't meet every single of them, right?
I can't bear the thought of not meeting everyone that I now know and love.

And would I think and talk like I am right now?



..would I still tell the same story?

This innocent relationship isn't so bad..

I remember when I prayed for the day where I'm yours.
Thank God, for the day has come and we're together now.
Saying that I'm overjoyed wouldn't be overstating.
And even though I feel there's something amiss between us (I hope it's just my imagination though), I'm still glad that this happens.
I wish we could stay together for a very long time, or even forever.

And God..
I know I've been unfaithful these days, but I truly believe You had something to do with this.
You know I've been praying for myself, for my sins I committed, and if this is Your way to convince me, I couldn't be more grateful for it.
Please, give me strength, give me faith I've been searching for, because deep down I want to believe in You.
I know I'm pathetic, but I can only pray for You now, for I'm lost without You.
Let this be the beginning of my new life.

I should be happy now.
I got something I've been dreaming about.
I got her.

But deep down in my heart, there's insecurity.
What is this?
And why do I feel this way?

Somebody, tell me..

Do you have that one friend with whom you haven't been able to get in touch for so long that you're wondering if he's still alive?

I mean like "where are you now, dude?"

Greed..

Human's greed is bottomless.
The thirst can't be satisfied, never will be.
Is this the only way we live our life? Alongside with greed?

Such a shame..

I'm addicted to you.

I was told that most of the things I wrote are about sad things, things with negative energy, and some other related stuffs. It's either sadness, anger, shame, self-hatred, etc. I never really thought about that until someone pointed it out. So maybe, it's really true.
Well, it's a possibility that my life actually isn't all that bad, it's just that I love writing about it to the extreme, sadly negatively. I don't really know why, but perhaps I like to think like a melancholia, I always assume sadness is more poetic, and I feel like most of us can relate to that kind of thing. It's sad, pathetic even. I'm fully aware of that. Not to mention, it actually attracts other negative things to my life which can make me more and more depressed.
But what to do? I like to write the way I like it, which is unfortunately negatively. And I feel happy when I'm doing it (now that's a paradox). Isn't that what really counts?
Anyway, I think I'll still continue to write this way, but perhaps now with some other spice of positive energy which hopefully can turn my way of viewing life.

And that's today's portion!

Perhaps, life is not that bad at all.
There's still people who still care.
There's this person with whom I'm actually not that close, but literally just made my day by sending me this.
Thanks..

Perhaps I'm not ready for a new relationship. Perhaps I was never ready.
I keep repeating the same mistakes I always made, even before I have THAT relationship.
How can I expect myself to nurture the relationship when the time comes if I destroy it before it grows?
Perhaps I'm not ready for this relationship. Perhaps I should just give it up.

So apparently my friend thinks that compared to extrovert people, introvert people tend to have deeper conversation with each other.
I never really gave any thought about that before, as I always felt jealous about how easy extrovert people could start socializing with other people.
Perhaps now I can be a bit more grateful to be myself (not that I really like staying introvert).

That time when you read what you wrote over and over again to make sure you didn't say anything stupid, just because they haven't replied you yet..

It is sad how people stay when your life is perfect but leave when you're at your lowest point.

What should I do..?

I'm broken..
I tell too many lies..
I lie so that they don't see me as pathetic.
I lie to cover my flaws.
I really don't have any self-confidence that I can't even be true to myself anymore.
Even I know, that if I were other people, I'd laugh my ass off witnessing such existence is still living and breathing the same air as me.

I'm really broken..
It's true what they say, the third time's the charm.
The third time I failed was what destroyed me.
My last shred of self-esteem disappeared completely.

And now, I must answer to my own lies.
When they know, it's guaranteed that they will judge me.
Even if they say they won't out of consideration, I'm sure they can't help it.
And I'm scared..

What should I do..?

So this is how it feels like to be in a friend zone.
I can't say this is the best thing.

I feel you all, brothers in the same situation.

I am scared.
I was blinded and didn't know what I had done.
I start to see again, but I've strayed from my path for too long now.

I am scared.
Somebody.. help me.
God..









..help me.

"What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?"

..and then, my head exploded.

"At some point, you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be."

- Anonymous

I used to hear this quote all the time and I never really believed it.

" You will regret more for the things that you didn't do than for the things that you did do. "

..but then, it strikes me.

in·se·cu·ri·ty

ˌinsəˈkyo͝orədē/

noun

1. 1.

   uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.

   "she had a deep sense of insecurity"
2. 
   
3. 2.

   the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.

   "growing job insecurity"

Everybody wants a good ending.
Sadly, not everyone can get one.

It is so painful to be the only one who loves, but isn't loved back.
I hate being on the receiving end of this game that life throws at me.

Is it really bad to wish for someone to love me enough that they can cry for me?